Heavy.

I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger.

Blocking you is the hardest thing. But I can’t keep this hope alive anymore. Not when it is killing me.

Our memories have been my daily drug, and I have not weaned off it the way that I thought I would. or thought I “could.” I love you, and I have to move on… what you decided to do for yourself I now must do. The journey to my own self-worth starts here. It’s so painful.

I currently don’t believe that there’s a better future in store for me. I currently don’t believe that my life has value. So it doesn’t make sense why I’m even fighting. But I know that I just… have to.

For four months I’ve been hanging on. I do not like throwing in the towel. I do not like calling it quits. I do not like to lose. Letting go when the love still exists is the greatest tragedy I have ever known. But I can’t risk losing my life over you. I just can’t. I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger.

Know that I desperately wished to support you. To have seen you on stage, performing your heart out, being your biggest fan, cheering you on, watching you at your best. It is a future that I will still never stop praying for, because you deserve the best. It’s just that I can no longer continue with you. My road, our road, together… stops here.

And as you continue on into the beauty that lies before you, with tear-streaked cheeks that have longed to feel your lips on them again, I say goodbye. To the dreams of us being together again, and to the hope that I would still be your friend. I have not experienced a pain this deep. This is an agony I pray you never feel.

It’s proof that I truly loved you.

If you ever find your way to this site, to this post… this is my heart. I wish you the best that this world can give. I loved you with absolutely everything I had. I did not hold anything back from you. You were who I wanted. You were everything. And I hope you continue to live and fight for your best self. It’s what I’m learning to do for myself, and I am so, so bad at it right now. Blocking you is my first step. And as drastic and harsh and reluctant I was to proceed, this, too, is motivated by nothing but love for you. And love for me.

I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger.

Love Defined. (April 2017)

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“Love Defined” is an intermittent series of writings that reflect the way “love” continuously gets redefined in my life over the course of my experiences over time. My goal is to have a record of the way love matures and manifests itself in action as I continually give it and practice it in my life.

Love Defined in April 2017:

Love is an continuous act of respecting a person’s decision to reject you — though I fail at honoring this about twice a week, I am learning that love and respect are so interconnected and need to co-exist. I used to think that “lack of communication” is the downfall of many relationships, but I now believe that underlying the communication is the level of respect two people have for each other. When that respect is lost, then even good communication won’t really matter. I have to come to terms is that what was being lost over time unbeknownst to me was mutual respect – of each other’s time, of each other’s commitments, of each other’s needs. This lack is probably why I still find myself wanting to keep in contact despite knowing better. This next month, the goal is to fully and truly honor the decision of the rejection, continually choosing to respect space that was desired.

Love is the coming to terms with what love looks like now — have you ever wondered how much suffering you’re able to take on simply because you love someone else? It’s astounding how much bandwidth I have for “punishment” and “pain” because of how much “love equity” I possess with someone. I think the breakup process is the gradual exhausting of that love tank, so that you’re able to actually objectively observe the condition of the relationship, and make better decisions about your own health. I absolutely hate having to “demote” someone who no longer wants my heart from the position of “significant other” to “just-as-significant-as-the-rest-of-my-friends.” As someone who has committed the past three years of his life to voraciously communicating edifying, uplifting words to others, to actually say beautiful things that I have in my heart to tell them that I see in them, it really really sucks that the relationship is no longer in a place where they can receive it in the way I want to express it. But that’s where it is now – they have chosen to lower their level of significance in my life and therefore it’s no longer appropriate to affirm who they are to me at that level. The only encouragement for me is knowing that God can actually take over and surround that person with even better words and encouragement and life that I could only dream of saying. In fact, I know that’s the conversation God has always been having, and knowing that, I am glad and more able to step away.

Love is a truth-teller that is not concerned with making you feel better — A breakup is when you decide someone isn’t worth your time anymore. That they are no longer worth fighting for. That the value of your life increases when they are removed from it. That you believe in a future where you are happier without them than you are with them, and you want to invest in that future. That’s the subtext behind the action. That’s why it hurts – it’s a rejection that has evidence. They tried you out and decided that in the long term you were not for them. But love is always revealing truth, and that truth does provide the necessary perspective to focus on health and wisdom. And the truth is that I will never know what is in her heart, and it will never be shared or made known to me. That evidence is clear. The wisdom, however, I am gaining from this process become the guideposts that will help position me better for when love for someone else arouses in me again eventually.

Slowly.

Two months later and progress has been painfully slow.

The thoughts of her are daily and frequent; tearful. What sucks is that I have made it a habit previously to always text her in the mornings, to communicate, to encourage. Things I found on Instagram or Facebook I would screenshot because I knew she’d enjoy it. And the truth is that hasn’t changed — I haven’t run out of ideas for encouragement to say to her, and more material keeps popping up that would be perfect to send her… it’s just that it’s no longer an option. And as more time passes, I have more and more that I want to share that no longer have an outlet. I have deleted many unsent text messages that I have wanted to send, with each backspace keystroke becoming the words of prayer I say to God to tell these words to her for me instead.

It’s odd – while I was by no means perfect, as attentive, or as caring as I could have been, I have never been more proud of myself for the way the relationship was lived. I loved that I treasured her, honored her, respected her. And I have felt hurt before – I endured the hurt caused by my ex-girlfriend when she decided to leave me for the guy who lived across the hall, and she moved in with him. I remember hearing them have sex and hearing it ring in my studio apartment. I remember wearing headphones everyday for months as a result.

Healing from that was a tremendous triumph… but this heartbreak seems like it hurts more than that one.

I never thought I would have had to get over her. I do not yet believe that my best days are ahead, and are going to be had without her. I can not stop worrying, thinking, or loving her. I know I will have to, one day, but 61 days in I find myself refusing the desire to give up. I am the one not giving closure to what was such a clear end to the relationship. And I don’t know what I’m hoping for — the evidence is clear that we are done. And I hate that the breakup was so beautiful and respectful. And I will never forget the feeling of that frigid air.

Easter is coming up. A year ago we celebrated our love with tons of pictures that Facebook is cruelly reminding me about. Four years ago I stumbled to a church and fell in love with Jesus all over again, who catalyzed my healing from that relationship I mentioned above. There are going to be broken people, and I, broken as ever, can authentically represent and be with them. I know my pain isn’t foreign to people, even those close to me. I hope there is redemption in this brokenness by being someone who can encourage others even through my own pain. I think that’s what validates our suffering… if I have to be broken to be used, then so be it. I’ve healed before, and I know one day I will heal again.

Quote

“Don’t worry. Put away your mirrors and your beauty magazines and your books on tape. There is someone right here who knows you more than you do, who is making room on the couch, who is fixing a meal, who is putting on your favorite record, who is listening intently to what you have to say, who is standing there with you, face to face, hand to hand, eye to eye, mouth to mouth. There is no space left uncovered. This is where you belong.”
– Sufjan Stevens