Heavy.

I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger.

Blocking you is the hardest thing. But I can’t keep this hope alive anymore. Not when it is killing me.

Our memories have been my daily drug, and I have not weaned off it the way that I thought I would. or thought I “could.” I love you, and I have to move on… what you decided to do for yourself I now must do. The journey to my own self-worth starts here. It’s so painful.

I currently don’t believe that there’s a better future in store for me. I currently don’t believe that my life has value. So it doesn’t make sense why I’m even fighting. But I know that I just… have to.

For four months I’ve been hanging on. I do not like throwing in the towel. I do not like calling it quits. I do not like to lose. Letting go when the love still exists is the greatest tragedy I have ever known. But I can’t risk losing my life over you. I just can’t. I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger.

Know that I desperately wished to support you. To have seen you on stage, performing your heart out, being your biggest fan, cheering you on, watching you at your best. It is a future that I will still never stop praying for, because you deserve the best. It’s just that I can no longer continue with you. My road, our road, together… stops here.

And as you continue on into the beauty that lies before you, with tear-streaked cheeks that have longed to feel your lips on them again, I say goodbye. To the dreams of us being together again, and to the hope that I would still be your friend. I have not experienced a pain this deep. This is an agony I pray you never feel.

It’s proof that I truly loved you.

If you ever find your way to this site, to this post… this is my heart. I wish you the best that this world can give. I loved you with absolutely everything I had. I did not hold anything back from you. You were who I wanted. You were everything. And I hope you continue to live and fight for your best self. It’s what I’m learning to do for myself, and I am so, so bad at it right now. Blocking you is my first step. And as drastic and harsh and reluctant I was to proceed, this, too, is motivated by nothing but love for you. And love for me.

I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger.

Advertisements

Slowly.

Two months later and progress has been painfully slow.

The thoughts of her are daily and frequent; tearful. What sucks is that I have made it a habit previously to always text her in the mornings, to communicate, to encourage. Things I found on Instagram or Facebook I would screenshot because I knew she’d enjoy it. And the truth is that hasn’t changed — I haven’t run out of ideas for encouragement to say to her, and more material keeps popping up that would be perfect to send her… it’s just that it’s no longer an option. And as more time passes, I have more and more that I want to share that no longer have an outlet. I have deleted many unsent text messages that I have wanted to send, with each backspace keystroke becoming the words of prayer I say to God to tell these words to her for me instead.

It’s odd – while I was by no means perfect, as attentive, or as caring as I could have been, I have never been more proud of myself for the way the relationship was lived. I loved that I treasured her, honored her, respected her. And I have felt hurt before – I endured the hurt caused by my ex-girlfriend when she decided to leave me for the guy who lived across the hall, and she moved in with him. I remember hearing them have sex and hearing it ring in my studio apartment. I remember wearing headphones everyday for months as a result.

Healing from that was a tremendous triumph… but this heartbreak seems like it hurts more than that one.

I never thought I would have had to get over her. I do not yet believe that my best days are ahead, and are going to be had without her. I can not stop worrying, thinking, or loving her. I know I will have to, one day, but 61 days in I find myself refusing the desire to give up. I am the one not giving closure to what was such a clear end to the relationship. And I don’t know what I’m hoping for — the evidence is clear that we are done. And I hate that the breakup was so beautiful and respectful. And I will never forget the feeling of that frigid air.

Easter is coming up. A year ago we celebrated our love with tons of pictures that Facebook is cruelly reminding me about. Four years ago I stumbled to a church and fell in love with Jesus all over again, who catalyzed my healing from that relationship I mentioned above. There are going to be broken people, and I, broken as ever, can authentically represent and be with them. I know my pain isn’t foreign to people, even those close to me. I hope there is redemption in this brokenness by being someone who can encourage others even through my own pain. I think that’s what validates our suffering… if I have to be broken to be used, then so be it. I’ve healed before, and I know one day I will heal again.

with what could be.

To a fault, and at the detriment to my relationships, I am in love with the idea of something often more than the thing itself.

It’s always been my battle. Up until this last relationship I thought I had fully internalized and worked through this attribute in me.

But the words she used to break up with me really illuminated how much work I still had to do – that I really needed to keep working at loving someone, seeing someone, where they are. That I really need to stop feeling like I have to “fix” everything.

It’s a sobering thought that I was in love only with the potential of what she could be. The truth is that she is a very sweet girl. Deep. Thoughtful. Relatable through mutual suffering. She knew that I get excited about the idea of stuff and I turn that into reality, the problem being it wasn’t a reality she is ready for. She was reluctant to share her heart and inner workings because I continue to take things way farther than where she is comfortable. I have to see that in me and change that in the future. It is why the space we have now is so critical to regroup, separately, and figure out how we will relate with each other in the future, likely just as friends.

It’s important for me to figure myself out. How to recognize my patterns, recognize the pressure, recognize my fears with the present moments, and stop looking so far ahead that I miss the beauty of what is being created. I have to own up to this trait. I never want to put my significant other through this again. I can’t move forward in dating and romantic relationships if I don’t develop a sensitivity to this. I do believe that where we’re at is what is best, as much as it hurts to admit. We need space. We need healing. We need the comfort and joy of others. We need this moment apart.

Space is the greatest gift I can give.

love and growth.

I had a post 7 years ago that described a notion of valentine’s day being an everyday thing rather than be relegated to a single day. I found it here. I was single then, haha. But I’m also single now.

A year ago, I remember her sharing with me that she had difficulty with Valentine’s Days after the fact… I was in Hawaii at the time, and I remember wanting to be there with her so badly on that day. I looked up plane tickets just for a round trip. The fare exceeded my bank account. So I got more creative and just leveraged technology instead.

I wondered that day last year. She was uncharacteristically silent on a day where love was encouraged by culture. It didn’t bother me, it didn’t hurt me, my go-to response was empathy and wonderment.

Today, I can’t talk to her nor encourage her anymore. It would betray the space. So I did the only thing I knew what I could do to support and encourage her without violating that space – I prayed. I prayed that she would find comfort and joy and strength, that she would work through whatever she is going through with strength. But also… this morning I’ve prayed a prayer for her that genuinely surprised me. In praying for her health, happiness, and future, I found myself feeling prompted to pray that she would find someone that would love her and communicate love exactly the way she was designed to feel it. I prayed for the man that would one day treasure her heart for life, that this man would not shy away from the battles and growth that will develop the character needed to sustain her heart. I prayed that they would click together, partner together, fight and make up in a way that strengthened their resolve, their commitments. That he would treasure her scar tissue the same way I did, covering each one with the assurance that he would not leave because of them. I prayed that God would give her someone that would blow me out of the water, and I would have no choice but to look up to him.

And to my surprise and astonishment, I prayed it without tears.

One memory I had recalled when I woke up this morning was a conversation that we had on the phone one day in October. I remember being frustrated with a lot of people and feeling disrespected, and after sharing there was a pause, and she asked me to “please never ever lose patience with her ever.”

Recalling that memory made me sad… I was prepared to never leave her. but I was also able to release that moment to Jesus in forgiveness and exercise gratitude in that moment. it was amazing to think that we even shared a moment so vulnerable and beautiful.

After all, I never thought in 2016 that my year of Patience, my theme for that year, would have been exercised and grown in the context of a relationship. It was so sudden – we met on Christmas Eve and started dating on New Years, and were an official couple by the end of January. When we shared our story with others, it sounded straight out of a movie. It felt blessed, and others celebrated our story. She had even journaled right before we met that she wanted a relationship. I suppose it eventually made me prideful, and my identity got wrapped up in it

Similarly, I never thought that in 2017 that my year of Growth, my current theme for the year, would be in the context of singleness. It’s frustrating how God listens sometimes… He hears us and then proceeds to give us what we want, putting us in the most nutrient-rich soil for the very thing we ask Him for. Last year He knew that the most fertile place for me to learn Patience would be in this relationship. This year He knows that the most fertile place for me to learn Growth would be in my singleness. And throughout this process I get to exercise the belief that God is good.

Frustrating as it may be, however, He can give and take away… but His love and motivations never change. He is always good, no matter what we have, or no longer have.

I’m starting to think that maybe this is the season where my Patience grows even more. I intend to keep my promise to her, I will “never ever lose patience with her ever.” This doesn’t mean I will wait for a romantic relationship to bloom again. In all health that can’t be my motivation; it just means that one day I will be her friend. One day I will get to support her, be in the audience, watch her in movies and plays, and though my role in her life has changed, it doesn’t mean that the job of being a good, constant person in her life goes out the door. I had always promised her a friendship. I had always promised her that I wasn’t going anywhere. And I had promised her patience. I can still be all these things as a friend. They don’t just exist in a romantic sense. I mean, I can still help produce her play if the offer still stands. I can still participate in her dreams and help them become a reality much in the same way I do that for my friends and their dreams.

Ultimately, this is the way that I love to live. I love the process of becoming strong. I love knowing intimately the things that I have been given, and I love treasuring them when I have them. I love choosing gratitude. I love praying. I love others. Now, I am learning to love myself.

More uncomfortably, after I finished praying, I felt a prompting to pray for myself. I prayed for healing. I prayed for wisdom. I prayed for strength. More patience. I prayed that God would keep giving me opportunities to grow. And I prayed (and this is where the tears started coming in) that I would find myself with a lifelong someone where our relationship looked like health, kindness, gratitude, and strength. I prayed that I would be given someone who understood me, supported me, and that there would be an undeniable chemistry. And in turn, I would be given an opportunity to build a life that supported and encouraged her realizing her deepest passions and dreams. I want a relationship that makes God attractive to others through our lifelong creative competition of trying to outdo one another. Through the tears I surrendered to the promise and faith that God does hear me and is preparing me and her to be each other’s best encouragement.

It’s not to say that this Valentine’s Day isn’t tough – because it is. I miss her with an unfathomable deepness. There aren’t words for it. But also, it’s tough because I still has so much love left to give. So many date ideas. A long list she never knew I kept of things I wanted to do together. And I’m becoming more aware that my creativity love tank doesn’t really deplete… frustratingly, I’m still generating tons of ideas and gifts and no longer have a recipient. But it’s okay… this is who I am, who I want to be, who I like being.

okay.

I thought about leaving a tulip in her car door.

I thought about a gift card or an “anonymous” letter from a “secret admirer.”

I thought of leaving her a note that showed value toward her. Maybe a random gas card.

But that means I wouldn’t be respecting her.

Nor would I be respecting myself or the space.

It’s interesting me more and more as I discover myself through this space… my needs. my deal breakers. often there is such a fantasy about what is romance, built up over time, over experience, over stories and books, films. after processing and talking it through with other people and friends, I’m becoming more and more aware of what my needs were this whole time, what wasn’t being met, what I should be looking for later on when I’m fully healed and ready to get back out there.

The timing sucks, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s always better sooner rather than later. I am resting in the fact that I tried my best, I was myself, and that’s all you can really do in a relationship: give your all. relationships are precious because it’s so rare to find someone you’re willing to work your ass off and suffer for, and do it mutually. to partner with life, cheer each other on, and make the best of every situation.

I hope and pray that tomorrow, during Valentine’s Day, people will embrace who they are with, what they have, take a deep breath, and be thankful. it’s a gift to spend a Valentine’s Day with a loved one. We never got to officially experience one. but it’s okay.

I have no regrets. I am so thankful. it was a beautiful relationship. And it’s okay if things don’t work out. Things will be okay.

I will be okay.

2am Thoughts.

I’m not the one for her. Not the way that I am. There is too much darkness. She deserves better.

I am not fit for relationship at all until I overcome and win my deepest battles.

I have to fight. Not for her, not anymore. For myself.

Fight by waiting on God… I need to do this.

I will wait. I will be faithful. I will be patient. I will have perseverance.

I will fight for the best version of me.

Hope and Reconciliation.

The Spirit is a reconciliatory Spirit.

Despite the pain and brokenness, I am immensely hopeful.

Right now I’m excited. I am mesmerized at the bigness of God. Convinced that His plan is a reconciliatory one. It may not reconcile romantically, that’s unlikely, however it can reconcile relationally, and it could be an amazing story. It could become a film, a book, story worth retelling across multiple mediums. We could be business partners. I could be a producer. There’s no limits!

I feel quite bipolar in this heartbreak and brokenness – sometimes the heartbreak is immeasurable. Sometimes the hugs are awkward. But we’re in this, doing this, healing separately but nonetheless together through tribe. We have good people in our corner. We are friends. Our friends are friends. It has the capacity to be quite beautiful in its time.

My challenge is to be present where I am. I love living in the future, but I am realizing my motives for being future-minded is because sometimes I am unhappy with my present; I live there because living in the world of “things will get better” is more encouraging than encountering the reality of “but I’m not there yet.”

I share here unapologetically because I can’t contain it — I want to write. I must write. I want to create. I want to write. I have rediscovered it in this brokenness. I love it.

I can’t wait to reconcile… not because I want to rekindle romantic passion and kiss her again (that wouldn’t be all bad), but because I want my friend back. She agreed to let me pursue her romantically; now that that phase has been experienced and completed, now I want to pursue the friendship. When I met her I knew she would color my life, shape me for the better, and through those possibilities she has immense value in my life still. Her status as my girlfriend wasn’t the reason why I wanted her. I wanted her in my life because she was a fascinating human. Discovering her and relating with her was an undeniable pleasure; unpacking her mystery and wonder brought me joy that God would create a story within such a human. I wasn’t scared of anything that was unearthed. I kissed every scar she let me see, covering the scar tissue with the assurance that I wasn’t going anywhere. And… So what if she doesn’t want a romantic relationship — there is still so much life to live. The story isn’t over. There’s plenty of work to be done.

We were clean. We were innocent. I hold my head up high and in the light in the way that I treated her. She treated me amazingly. She respected me, even in the breakup she was honest! Our relationship was fun, holy, one I can be proud to admit. We proved it was possible to love and break up all in the light, in the witness of the ones we love. The communication, though difficult, was honest. Despite the brokenness, I am full. I AM FULL!

Also highly caffeinated as I write this, to be honest.

Regardless, I am taking every moment as it comes… celebrating happiness when I feel it, pain when I feel it, sadness when I feel it… It’s all part of the process.

I hope to read these words whenever I am down again, because this hope I feel is genuine. I can’t, I must not, let it go.