Heavy.

I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger.

Blocking you is the hardest thing. But I can’t keep this hope alive anymore. Not when it is killing me.

Our memories have been my daily drug, and I have not weaned off it the way that I thought I would. or thought I “could.” I love you, and I have to move on… what you decided to do for yourself I now must do. The journey to my own self-worth starts here. It’s so painful.

I currently don’t believe that there’s a better future in store for me. I currently don’t believe that my life has value. So it doesn’t make sense why I’m even fighting. But I know that I just… have to.

For four months I’ve been hanging on. I do not like throwing in the towel. I do not like calling it quits. I do not like to lose. Letting go when the love still exists is the greatest tragedy I have ever known. But I can’t risk losing my life over you. I just can’t. I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger.

Know that I desperately wished to support you. To have seen you on stage, performing your heart out, being your biggest fan, cheering you on, watching you at your best. It is a future that I will still never stop praying for, because you deserve the best. It’s just that I can no longer continue with you. My road, our road, together… stops here.

And as you continue on into the beauty that lies before you, with tear-streaked cheeks that have longed to feel your lips on them again, I say goodbye. To the dreams of us being together again, and to the hope that I would still be your friend. I have not experienced a pain this deep. This is an agony I pray you never feel.

It’s proof that I truly loved you.

If you ever find your way to this site, to this post… this is my heart. I wish you the best that this world can give. I loved you with absolutely everything I had. I did not hold anything back from you. You were who I wanted. You were everything. And I hope you continue to live and fight for your best self. It’s what I’m learning to do for myself, and I am so, so bad at it right now. Blocking you is my first step. And as drastic and harsh and reluctant I was to proceed, this, too, is motivated by nothing but love for you. And love for me.

I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger.

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