with what could be.

To a fault, and at the detriment to my relationships, I am in love with the idea of something often more than the thing itself.

It’s always been my battle. Up until this last relationship I thought I had fully internalized and worked through this attribute in me.

But the words she used to break up with me really illuminated how much work I still had to do – that I really needed to keep working at loving someone, seeing someone, where they are. That I really need to stop feeling like I have to “fix” everything.

It’s a sobering thought that I was in love only with the potential of what she could be. The truth is that she is a very sweet girl. Deep. Thoughtful. Relatable through mutual suffering. She knew that I get excited about the idea of stuff and I turn that into reality, the problem being it wasn’t a reality she is ready for. She was reluctant to share her heart and inner workings because I continue to take things way farther than where she is comfortable. I have to see that in me and change that in the future. It is why the space we have now is so critical to regroup, separately, and figure out how we will relate with each other in the future, likely just as friends.

It’s important for me to figure myself out. How to recognize my patterns, recognize the pressure, recognize my fears with the present moments, and stop looking so far ahead that I miss the beauty of what is being created. I have to own up to this trait. I never want to put my significant other through this again. I can’t move forward in dating and romantic relationships if I don’t develop a sensitivity to this. I do believe that where we’re at is what is best, as much as it hurts to admit. We need space. We need healing. We need the comfort and joy of others. We need this moment apart.

Space is the greatest gift I can give.

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