Hope and Reconciliation.

The Spirit is a reconciliatory Spirit.

Despite the pain and brokenness, I am immensely hopeful.

Right now I’m excited. I am mesmerized at the bigness of God. Convinced that His plan is a reconciliatory one. It may not reconcile romantically, that’s unlikely, however it can reconcile relationally, and it could be an amazing story. It could become a film, a book, story worth retelling across multiple mediums. We could be business partners. I could be a producer. There’s no limits!

I feel quite bipolar in this heartbreak and brokenness – sometimes the heartbreak is immeasurable. Sometimes the hugs are awkward. But we’re in this, doing this, healing separately but nonetheless together through tribe. We have good people in our corner. We are friends. Our friends are friends. It has the capacity to be quite beautiful in its time.

My challenge is to be present where I am. I love living in the future, but I am realizing my motives for being future-minded is because sometimes I am unhappy with my present; I live there because living in the world of “things will get better” is more encouraging than encountering the reality of “but I’m not there yet.”

I share here unapologetically because I can’t contain it — I want to write. I must write. I want to create. I want to write. I have rediscovered it in this brokenness. I love it.

I can’t wait to reconcile… not because I want to rekindle romantic passion and kiss her again (that wouldn’t be all bad), but because I want my friend back. She agreed to let me pursue her romantically; now that that phase has been experienced and completed, now I want to pursue the friendship. When I met her I knew she would color my life, shape me for the better, and through those possibilities she has immense value in my life still. Her status as my girlfriend wasn’t the reason why I wanted her. I wanted her in my life because she was a fascinating human. Discovering her and relating with her was an undeniable pleasure; unpacking her mystery and wonder brought me joy that God would create a story within such a human. I wasn’t scared of anything that was unearthed. I kissed every scar she let me see, covering the scar tissue with the assurance that I wasn’t going anywhere. And… So what if she doesn’t want a romantic relationship — there is still so much life to live. The story isn’t over. There’s plenty of work to be done.

We were clean. We were innocent. I hold my head up high and in the light in the way that I treated her. She treated me amazingly. She respected me, even in the breakup she was honest! Our relationship was fun, holy, one I can be proud to admit. We proved it was possible to love and break up all in the light, in the witness of the ones we love. The communication, though difficult, was honest. Despite the brokenness, I am full. I AM FULL!

Also highly caffeinated as I write this, to be honest.

Regardless, I am taking every moment as it comes… celebrating happiness when I feel it, pain when I feel it, sadness when I feel it… It’s all part of the process.

I hope to read these words whenever I am down again, because this hope I feel is genuine. I can’t, I must not, let it go.


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