Fighting feeling like a stepping stone.

The irony of us not being together anymore is that her presence never allowed me to settle for less.

She always made me more. She always made me strive to be better – to outdo myself. To be better. To achieve a higher potential. And it really sucks that when I reflected that I could not reflect that back on her…

The current battle for me is the feeling that, in previous relationships, I was a stepping stone. More on that later…

Today’s core team meeting focused on our core values. One thing that was mentioned was coming to the understanding that we will never see the best version of Mosaic, because we will all be dead. Meaning, that we are paving the way for a bigger and brighter future for the church, and it’s not meant for us to live in that moment, but our purpose is to keep paving the way. Our mission is to make other people better and stop caring if we are there to see it come to fruition… the joy is simple in the work, in the act of preparing, in the process of growth, and we do it for other people’s benefit.

It’s no doubt that I still very much want her back in my life. It’s very hard to swallow that it’s probably never going to happen, as much as I want it; the much more likely scenario is that this time apart will allow her to reflect, grow, improve, and make her next relationship even better, even stronger, even more magnetic and successful. And it’s humbling and tough to swallow that I will not be in her life to celebrate her biggest successes and moments, which I continually pray for and expect God to come through on His promises for her. In a selfish way, it really hurts me to have been a part of her corner, never ceasing in my encouragement, especially in her doubts, and won’t be in her life when those moments happen. But my goal in my encouragement was never to reap the benefits — it was simply to encourage. And I must humble myself and submit to God’s will that I have completed and served my purpose in her life. I must allow the one that God has for her in her future to step up and continue to support her, and enjoy the moments I wanted to experience instead. Their relationship must flourish, and God has reserved those moments I so desperately wanted for us to be experienced by them instead.

But ultimately, because of my insecurity issues, what’s hardest to accept is to feel like there is a love out there for me. I don’t currently believe I have anyone. I currently can’t accept that possibility, but I wholeheartedly and sincerely pray for that future for her constantly. There is such a lack of self love in my own life. Maybe that’s why I focus so much on loving someone else… because loving someone else makes me feel like I matter, and it keeps me too busy to love myself instead for once.

As mature and beautiful as the breakup was, this is by far the hardest one I have ever gone through. Every promise made, every future conceived, enters into my mind and roosts, and I constantly have to keep offering those to God as a release of forgiveness and a plea for comfort. I exchange those thoughts for grace. It feels like God is conspicuously absent from my life.. And the only thing I am hoping for is that she isn’t feeling this much pain, that she is doing okay, that I’d rather feel and take on the hurt for both of us so she can focus on her career. I pray that God is with her… and that if she is hurting, that what she is experiencing is meant for her growth and learning as well.

All I can do in this time is focus on myself, regroup, stop living so much in the damn future and just enjoy what I have where I’m at, and love other people precisely where they are at. I need to stop trying to control the pacing, enjoy the process, and enjoy the people who are willing to still give me love.


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