running the race.

losing a friend is hard.

losing a best friend is extremely hard.

what do you do with your day? what do you do with all those moments where it was second nature to whip out your phone and tell them about it? what happens when that connection is lost and you can no longer communicate with someone who was once so integrated into your daily life?

how do you move on? how do you convert conversations into muttered prayers without it being so painful? it’s tough. there’s only so much distractions you can surround yourself with before you have to go through the process and endure it to the end, with just a sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe, you’ll come out of this stronger. but what if you never wanted to endure any of this in the first place? what if you’re the one left holding the bag to a future you never wanted to have happen? how do you own your decisions? how do you learn to live with the consequences of your actions? how do you ask God not to reverse the situation, but to ask Him to draw near while you heal? and when the pain doesn’t stop, where else can you go for strength?

so many questions, so many tears, so much pain, so much regret, so much loss.

the process is tough, and it’s difficult to hope when you’re in this kind of valley, especially when you feel like you did your best. especially when you are the kind of person that never ejects from a plane going down, someone who always sticks it through no matter what, because it’s better to know for certain that the plane has crashed than to eject and always wonder if you could’ve saved it. so I get burned and mangled. a lot. I am never comfortable with letting go. I always stick it out for better or worse. I’ve always been that way.

I’m a survivor of a crashed plane and I don’t understand why I’m still alive. I’m in a place where I am questioning my existence, questioning the circumstances, pondering the purpose of it all, wondering what it all means, and figuring out why my life even matters.

usually I have something positive to say at this point but I don’t. things are rough right now and I struggle to choose life every day. I have to believe that there is a purpose to my life, that there is a reason for this experience, otherwise there is no reason for me to keep going. there is so much that I am learning and growing from, and this stretching period is so painful and unwelcome, but I have no choice but to just go through it and wait until things get better. I’ve gone through enough of these experiences to know that I’ll be okay, but each time it happens the valley is so much lower. and it’s especially low because the relationship was especially important. and I struggle with the realization that I allowed someone to bury themselves so deeply, that I lacked the wisdom to protect myself, and the only thing I have to show for it is an epically large crater in my heart that a wonderful soul once occupied. maybe that was the issue. it probably was. and there are consequences when you put all your eggs in a basket that ends up spilling onto the ground.

all this to say that I will probably get through this like I always do. it was never my intention to have things go this way, and I am especially spiteful a life when it interferes with my dreams and desires, but it’s the way things are now and I have to make the most of it. it’s not fun, and it’s not easy, but it’s my life and I am accountable with what I do with it. so for now I choose life and it’s something I have to choose every day. sometimes we never get what we want and it’s the hardest thing in the world to admit it and learn how to deal with it. sometimes life wins and you have to accept the defeat humbly. if you don’t, you become an even worse person and the world has enough bitter people as it is. we don’t need more hateful people,
we don’t need more angry people. no, the world needs more humble people. and I guess it’s not a total loss if at the very least the world gets one more humble human being to embrace a life they have no choice but to live. I just hope one day I can enjoy it fully again.

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