Letting go.

the last two nights I have been crying myself to sleep. I have been overwhelmed with sadness and my sobs reveal the longing in my soul.

I’ve been interested in this woman for 8 months. I have felt rejection for about 6 months now. that’s the longest I’ve felt unwanted and unimportant. this relationship has been the source of a lot of anguish and a battleground for the strengthening of my hope. but it’s so difficult to be the only one to carry the hope of a relationship. I feel like I’m the only one who wants this. and while I know it’s not really true, it’s just easier for me to start accepting that it will just never happen.

I had a weird dream today where a dragon came up from the sand and stole a small child. I ran after it at full sprint and called to the dragon, who looked like Jade, a dog at Lusive, to drop the child. I caught up to the animal and touched it, and it stopped. I retrieved the child and returned back. then I woke up. for the first time in I can’t remember how long, I woke up feeling so refreshed and energized. I’ve been asking God to show up this week and I am still processing how he has been informing my life this week.

it was nice to taste victory, if only in my dreams. I love Erica, but it seems the narrative I need to accept is that there will always just be an insurmountable tension that my presence, perhaps even my love, that she will never be prepared for. it’s the kind of tension that an individual needs to resolve to go into and brace herself with, one that eventually will subside the moment she realizes that it’s not so bad. but it’s actually going through the fire that is the hard part. I mean, she’s been burned so many times by similar situations before. and perhaps she’ll never know that this is the one fire that won’t burn her, even though it looks like all the rest of the ones she’s been coaxed to go through by boys who never treated her the way I would.

I’ve come to realize that my pain, my sobs, my reinvigorated ability to hope, has all been training for a love that I need to strengthen in my heart. I would have loved to give Erica my strength, but the evidence is showing me that she doesn’t want it. maybe that’s why my soul has been erupting with tears. maybe that is why I am sad. it feels unfair, to feel like I have broken up with someone I never had the chance to date. that this feeling of just being dragged through the mud has only been a fruitful experience in the sense that I have reclaimed my capacity to love, and I need to just choose someone that will love me back. maybe this unexplainable tension, after all, shouldn’t even exist. maybe a truly meant-to-be relationship just feels natural. maybe I just forced this friendship, this relationship on her, because of my persistence. maybe the way I went about it is completely unnatural. I wanted to know her because she is the most beautiful human being in the world. and it saddens me that she will never know the fullest measure of my love that I wanted to give her. it’s too bad.

I guess that’s life. God is still good to me.

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