originally posted 2/4/2011.
“you’re my best friend Joseph Pecson, you..always will be. YOU mean SO much to me, THAT..will never change. distance & time got nothing on us 🙂 prov.17:17<3”
— Jan 7, 2011 12:16 AM
When you said that, I was encouraged.
It meant that things wouldn’t change, even when I moved 2500 miles away. It meant that we’d still be calling and texting. I meant that I could tell you about my day, and I’d hear about the little things that brightened yours. It meant that we would be finding some way to make time for each other. It meant that I wouldn’t have to doubt or lie about how we were best friends, because that’s exactly what we would be.
It encouraged me too, when you said that. that we were best friends.
But now.. it just.. hurts. Time, and distance.. they are winning.
I don’t know what I can do. I feel it… slipping. I don’t know what I’m allowed to do. The ratios are completely skewed. In the beginning it was fine.. but as time went on there was less of a foundation for things to talk about, and the text messages became increasingly impersonal. Now I instigate most of the discussions and chats, and have to devise new topics to talk about when we do. And the more I do it, the more awkward and forced it feels. and so I wait for you to start a conversation… but it never happens. And the longer this goes on, the more awkward it gets.. to the point where, eventually, I just have to stop trying. It really does take an effort on both sides to make a relationship feel natural. I’m just.. drained. I’ve given a lot. I sacrificed up a lot of my time in Hawaii, which was already scarce, to invest in a project that was supposed to bond us. But I ended up working on it alone, and I was determined to finish it because I desperately did not want it to end in vain, and I believed in what it was supposed to represent. I knew you loved Toothless. We were supposed to make it together. But it was so lonely. I fought back tears. I did it out of love. For the relationship. And I don’t know if I just.. wasted, my time.
I’m just.. disappointed. Not in you, but in the situation. I expected more. And I am struggling with the selfishness of that. You’re not my girlfriend. I don’t want you to be. That’s what I absolutely don’t want. I just wanted a balanced, authentic friendship. I wanted it to grow. I wanted to actually move beyond talking about just our history and about God, and actually create new memories and get to know each other. I didn’t just want to play catch-up, I wanted us to be walking beside each other and comment about what we were seeing in each other’s lives now.
I am grateful that you’re in my life. So very very grateful. And I’ve been afraid to say something about how I felt for fear that it would jeopardize or, worse, destroy whatever little talking we do. But I can’t keep doing this. It hurts.. a lot. And the fact that I can’t comment on the situation nor discuss it with you out of that very fear that I’d lose you completely.. it’s paralyzing.
Maybe God is the one doing it. Maybe this is all new for you to hear. Maybe you had absolutely no idea that this is how I’ve been feeling. I’ve been waiting.. hoping.. that we would still be talking and grow comfortable enough that I could eventually share this with you. But seeing that it is moving the opposite direction worries me. Maybe it’s only my curse. I’m a communications major. I study about communication. Obviously I cannot escape analyzing what is supposed to be my most significant relationship. I feel like a liar when I call you my best friend.. because there’s no proof. We don’t have consistent communication, we’re disguising scripture and God as a way to stay in touch, but things are still crumbling and the foundation is slipping.
I was really excited to be coming home for spring break. I was excited to see you. But I don’t know what to expect. I’m scared. Afraid. Saddened that we were defeated by time and distance, the very things you said had nothing on us. It’s going to be awkward. We’re going to have to start over. And we’ll waste time. All I see is a relationship that has been eroded. and that I’m the only one who cares enough to patch it up; the only one doing my best to keep it alive somehow.
I do love it when you write back to me. but a lot of the time I wished there were more. I know it’s the thought that counts, and I’m grateful.. I just wish there were more substance to what you say. I mean, I look at how much I write to you….. sigh, but I’m being selfish. It’s unfair to you that I feel disappointed. You couldn’t possibly know my expectations, nor should you feel any obligation to meet them. Again, you’re not my girlfriend… so why can’t I just be okay with how things are going now? Have I read too much into what you say to me. Are our definitions of best friends so different? … sigh, probably.
Is it wrong for me to reread past texts? to go through past chat logs? It seemed so good just a few weeks ago… I was hoping that the friendship shout-outs I wrote or the facebook video I messaged to you would spark a conversation where we could talk. But you were silent on those matters. everyone else replied… but I guess I shouldn’t be selfish. while I secretly wanted to just catch up with you through them, I was wrong to have those expectations.
So I don’t know if it is wise to keep fighting. To keep pouring into something that puts me on this painful roller-coaster. Soon I will need to cut my losses. Soon it will be too much for me. Soon it will not be worth it. And I will have to let go.
If this is God’s way of showing me that I need to let it go… then with many tears and a body full of heartache… I will. because.. God is ultimately the one who makes things perfect. If I have to go through a (long) season that doesn’t include you… it will break my heart. But He is God. Maybe you have already wrestled with this before me. Maybe you, as well, are trying to follow Him and obey Him. Maybe this is all just wishful thinking.
For now, I pray for a numbed heart.