I am dangerous.
I am unsafe.
I am immature.
I am selfish. Undeniably so.
Perhaps it is for the good that I must leave. It is, as it stands, the only way to protect those I love. It is, as it seems, the only way to grow. To go back into the void of loneliness, temptation, and – heartache – is the path before me. I will be a better person.
Je ne te mérite pas.
Je suis honteux et confus.
Et je suis très désolé.
A cold existence isn’t too bad, I suppose. It is the right decision. In my case, anyway. I am hopeful and optimistic about my growth. It will be hard. But there is no choice. This is what must be done. Change… is inevitable.
I am grateful for this break. It has introduced joy, sadness, and created moments I will treasure forever. It has revealed insights into my own inner machinations, and has made me honest with my motivations. These are what I am owning up to. These are what I am laying down. For the sake of my own sanity, I have no choice. For the sake of the greater good, I must… leave.
I revel in making others feel treasured, special. I love making people smile, laugh, and enjoy themselves. I do not feel entitled to reciprocity, nor do I ask for any. I simply give because people are worth giving.
But I am tired. Drained. Blinded.
It is a feeling I have felt before.
It is an indication that something is missing.
That someone is missing.
God… He’s missing.
If God’s not in the picture, it’s not worth it.
It’s a very hard lesson to learn in my stubbornness.
Forgive me, God. I’m sorry.