For some reason, throughout the day I’ve been thinking of what it feels like to lose a loved one. Now, in my personal life I have not really lost anybody near and dear to my heart to death. Both my grandpas died during my adolescent years, but I never really knew them that well. That is, I had never gotten the chance to be exposed to them long enough for them to make a significant impact in my life directly.
I know I will have to face it someday, but please God… let it not be soon.
I was talking to my neighbor today. She has been a widow for two years, and all the times we’ve talked in the past she never fails to mention her late husband. I could tell she loved him very much by the way she reminisces, by the way she talks about him, how the tone in her voice changes so subtly to a posture of remembrance and missing. Whether she talks about the plumbing tools he owns in the garage, or the grief group she attends, or the positive place she is in now, I can’t help but think to myself, “Gosh, I cannot even imagine what she had to go through, or what she still is going through.” And to think she is doing it without God’s strength… what a life. Such strength that is demanded to persevere through this.
I think back on the breakups I’ve had. Those tears I cried seem so.. petty.. compared to the sheer grief of losing someone whom you have loved for over twenty-something years. I will cry my eyes out the day my father leaves this world, but.. what about my mother? I cannot even imagine the tumult she is to experience. Sure, we as a family can be fully rest assured that he is in a better place.. but it won’t stop the dreadful process of grieving we would have to go through. Still… God makes such a thing so.. beautiful.. even in times such as those. But nonetheless, I pray that that day is still very far away.
From this posture of thought, I now realize the importance of what my dad had to say.. when my mom and I were fighting, his main concern was in the wake of his death, he could not see me as a pillar my mom could hold onto.. he saw the bitterness and resentment I was feeling towards her, and he feared it would disable me from being a source of strength for my mom. To think that that was the primary issue for my dad… such wisdom. Such selflessness. That is the heart of a father. That is the heart of love.
I don’t know why I am writing this. But it was a thought that was on my heart all throughout the day. It is teaching me to see things in a new perspective. It is teaching me to love what I have even harder. It is teaching me to not let stupid arguments and stupid squabbles get in the way of the sheer overpowering presence of love. How foolish I was to let something so trivial get in the way of me and my mother.. How much of a failure I was at being a loving son during that season. I thank God so much for redeeming such a wretched person as me. I ask that He continues to bless and work in my life and the lives of those whose lives I am learning to cherish even deeper.
God, this is my prayer. Though how uncomfortable and frightening it was to meditate on these thoughts today, I thank you for revealing them to me. Thank you for using it to bring clarity and perspective. Ultimately, you are the author and you are in control. And let Your will be done, always. You are the amazing God, and I thank you for your heart. Thank you for exposing your heart of a father to me. The gravity of who you are, the absolute selflessness of your being – I am in awe. Please please please, God, bless the lives of my family, whom I am growing to love even deeper because of my deepening love for you. Please bless my friends, my brothers and sisters, who are yearning for you and longing for your heart. Be in control of our lives, God. You make it so easy to love you. Thank you for letting us tap into your strength. Prepare me for the days of sorrow, the days of grief that lay ahead.. help me to see your goodness and mercy in them. Help me be like Job, one who blesses your name despite the feelings and perceptions of unfairness. You are greater, you are mightier, you are the deliverer. Help me be a better son to my father and mother. Help me be a better brother to Jerico and Julius. Help me be a better friend to the righteous and the godless. Give me wisdom and the words to show your glory to them. Be my pillar, always. Be with me. Stay with me. I love you. Amen.