these past three or four days hasn’t been so hot. i’ve been feeling really lonely and out of place, like i really have nowhere to go or anybody to talk to. i know that’s not true, and there are many willing to listen.. but i don’t have any drive or motivation to get myself out of this slump. i thought i could shake it off with positivity and self-encouragement.. although it worked for awhile, it kept coming back stronger, and currently it’s slowly breaking me down. composing’s been frustrating, and a lot of things have just been making me sad. truth be told, i didn’t really take the time to keep nourishing the friendships i had here, and so i’m sure my attempts to revive them seem shallow to them.. in any case, i don’t even know the reason why i’m at home anymore, other than to just be there for my family. i guess i should be happy and grateful, and i know i could be okay if i choose to be, but making that decision requires more and more sheer willpower each time.
i guess i could keep hoping. but i’ve lost sight of what i should be doing it for. sure, there are times where i feel rejuvenated and my purpose in life becomes clear or revived, but usually that feeling fades within a day. the trick is to keep it going, but i haven’t developed a way to do that yet. maybe that’s what i need to learn. it’d be nice to be encouraged though. i feel like i need that more than anything. even with a simple, “how was your day?” i would open my doors widely. but hey, you gotta give love to receive it right? maybe i should continue giving.. it pays off in the end.
sigh, life’s hard to live. but even though i feel pretty bummed, at least i can hope that things can be better if i try and put just a tad bit more effort. even writing this is helping, and i’m feeling less depressed with every line i write. technically, i am talking to myself, haha. but it’s helping.