life, as we know, sometimes has a sinister way of subtly turning you into the person you absolutely don’t want to be. sometimes we proactively make decisions to go against that grain, only to find that we have become our own self-fulfilling prophecies… most times. what matters is one’s level of determination and transparency, and with enough of each, any person can be whomever he or she wishes.
Jason Mraz’s latest blog was written backstage hours before his performance on American Idol, and in his humanness he expressed such an occurrence. if you read his entry, he expresses the fact that although he tries his best to be an advocate of gratitude and of a positive outlook, it seems to only take one small moment of fear, inadequacy, or negativity to tear down the person he constantly builds himself up to be. we are all human and can therefore resonate with this experience (me especially), and it is always a constant struggle to keep pessimism and negativity from clogging the gutters of our psyche.
seriously, it seems like a chore sometimes to choose to be happy.. some days it’s just so much easier to wallow in our bad mood and let the apathy towards the condition of our lives sap us from taking the initiative to be positive. and it doesn’t help when one day you decide to get your act together, do all the work to clean out that gutter from all the junk bothering you — and then wake up the next morning only to find even more shit piled up right where you just cleaned. tell me that’s not disheartening..
though they’re seldom published publicly, i write habitually and often, mostly in an attempt to attain peace of mind, which comes from honest and candid self-reflection to events both personal and/or around me. after all, “an unexamined life is not worth living.” when i write, there is nobody to interrupt me, and i can keep typing without hindrance during the process. this freedom is essential and necessary to obtain the essence behind the things i want to say; the revisions and proofreads that come later improve the readability of these texts (though i find my writing style to be a little highbrow at times), and foresight sensitivity to possible critiques further round out my arguments.
i liken the purpose for writing in my life to be a like this vehicle (called a loader). it’s in my personality to have things affect me on a deeper level than most, and while there are strengths to it, obviously this mentality carries quite a load of negatives, one of which being that i think… a lot. everyone knows hitting the hay with a busy mind is like shouting a lullaby.. shit aint goin’ work. thoughts and the hypothetical have been known to be my personal sleep-robbers, and i find that investing the time to flush out my brain before bed through blogging and writing improves the quality of my respite. in a way, i use writing as a loader, and i simply push all my piles of thoughts and ideas into the endless abyss of cyberspace.
problem solved? not really, i realized.
truth is, i’ve been writing less… why? because it recently dawned on me that i don’t need to be writing every single goddamn thing that goes through my head, as if every passing thought and idea was so profound and poignant that i just had to incarnate it into tangible existence. that’s pretty ridiculous if you think about it, and i realized i’ve been holding onto and embracing my own ideated creations a little too much.. it’s a weakness of mine i feel i can share with my readers (after all, you who care enough to be reading this far into the entry are the ones i’m comfortable being transparent with). while it’s true to a degree that the things i think and feel i ought to appreciate, it doesn’t mean i have to forever immortalize every little thing going through my head and encase it in a blog entry. i mean, it would be like trying to take a polaroid of every cloud i thought was cool, or even more absurd, trying to bottle it into a jar… what for? and being that i have millions of these ‘clouds,’ the practice becomes even more ludicrous, even borderline obsessive.. only now am i comfortable with the fact that a majority are just fleeting clouds meant to pass through my field of consciousness. and most of them were never meant to be held onto.
maybe it’s because i have a hard time letting go of stuff. the fact that i ascribe meaning to everything usually backlashes in a way that makes me a packrat of experiences and memories. there were times when i thought of something i absolutely felt the need to write down, only to think to myself the next day why i decided to lose sleep over something this trivial. recently i looked through my old journals and some of my old posts, looking at the shoeboxes of polaroids and mountains of jars containing all my so-called “epiphanies,” and while i am indebted to this collection for forming my present, there’s no need for me to keep them; they only take up space now. and i need to embrace them in a different way by using more discretion regarding what’s really important and worth writing about. in this season in my life, it’s healthier for me. plus i can get more sleep. it’s not always the best method to write everything down if in the end most of it is either a) forgotten, b) let go of in the end, or c) loses immediate relevance. in truth, some realizations are never meant to be kept on file, but only admired for their simple truths for as long as it floats about in the mind of a constant thinker. to put in a jar every incidental experience encountered i feel is a poor use of energy and has a good chance of crowding the significance of the bigger picture. and that’s the real issue, isn’t it?
gaining the perspective to see the bigger picture aids in having peace of mind, as all things are put into place. sometimes it takes a while, and we ask ourselves how much longer, hence the “?” in ?eace. but it will come. it just takes the forming of the discipline to clean out those gutters every day, choosing what to think about, and staying proactive, determined, and transparent in the process.