compassion, grief, perspective, wolves, change.

i called my brother tonight to talk about what happened.. it was the first time i’ve ever cried over the death of someone i never even knew. he told me it was because i had the gift of compassion that i was able to feel the way i felt, and because i knew khail took it really hard, he said i was able to feel it too through that compassion. it even transferred into the lamentation i wrote on the piano. it really did catch me off guard, balling like that, but i’m grateful that i can feel so strongly. it’s not a weakness.

my brother told me he was proud of me too for having this gift, because he says really doesn’t have it all, haha. that really touched me, considering my worst memory of him was when i was seven he told me something about how he was ashamed i was his brother. the dynamic between the two of us has changed so dramatically over the last couple of years, and i’m so glad i can come to him and michelle for anything – their advice and insights are golden to me. my family in general is great, and i’ve never felt closer to them. for me to be able to rely on them no matter what is a real blessing. God provides.

things don’t seem so bad when you’re seeing them in a different perspective. realizing the reality of death, the fragility of life, and the incredible pain associated with loss dwarfs the hurts of heartbreak and the stress of school that were once seemingly so intolerable. this thing i’m going through with danielle is nothing compared to the anguish jared’s family must be experiencing. and you realize that there is a lot of love that needs to be given to other people who are hurting more than you are. and fortunately sometimes the best love you can offer is to simply grieve with those in pain.

there is a newness in everything when you don the new perspective. the message in a song you’ve known all your life can suddenly hold new meaning, and with each added life experience you draw out different things from previously familiar books and movies. it really is crazy.

Rev Run had this quote in his twitter today: “There’s 2 wolves raging inside u. 1 is angry, jealous,lazy.. the other is kind loving wit self control, The 1 who survives is the 1 u feed!” grammar and typos aside, that’s a pretty profound thought. everyday we must choose which wolf to feed whenever we react to something.. and whichever wolf you give sustenance to is the one who gets stronger. with enough nourishment one wolf can actually consume the other one. so i need to start asking myself, “which wolf am i going to feed today?”

that’s what i’m going to decide to do from now on. i need to keep a healthy perspective on everything by also keeping the right wolf fed. going back to what i’m going through with danielle, maybe i need to realize that my old perception of what “normal/friends” was between us may not be a relevant or plausible way of viewing things anymore. “normal/friends” for us now no longer includes freely communicating with each other in fun and randomness, asking about my day or how my finals went, looking for blocks of time to spend together, etc.. and regardless whether it’s because you’re no longer comfortable with me or it’s awkward for you or whatever the case, it’s no longer your desire, so therefore for my own sake it can’t be mine anymore. things are different, and it’s something i don’t understand and i can’t ascribe a reason for it. but i’m okay with it now. sure i’ll miss that season on account for how amazing it was, but the important thing is to keep moving on. if things want to be fixed, they will fix themselves eventually.

the perspective is this: i have been given this amazing life to live, and i need to live it without a rearview mirror. my memories are good enough.

the wolves are getting hungry. i think i’ll bulk up the one that doesn’t make me negative this time.

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