(caution: emo and personal note)
Today was a horrible day. But it was a good day. After all, it was what I needed to see the kind of person you really are. The idealization of an individual that results from romance and infatuation is dissipating more and more each day, and a week away from you was exactly what i needed to gain a clearer perspective. I finally realize that the you I envisioned in my head had little to do with the actual person it was meant to represent.
The first step in growing and learning is to realize that there is something to be learned. I believe that there is a reason and a lesson in everything that occurs in life, and if we look into whatever situation hard enough, we can find it. But the truth is… sometimes it just hurts to know. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, and lessons hurt a lot less if we don’t validate its existence by our efforts in looking.. but if we don’t choose to actively search for the meanings in our experiences, how can we possibly grow into better people?
It’s not to say I’m perfect, and yes, we all have flaws. but to deny the existence of the need for growth is to subject yourself to recurring patterns of hurt and discouragement. you’re not a bad person at all; you’re wonderful. but i projected a lot of myself into you, and it skewed my judgment of your character. it also revealed a lot about me, the things i need to work on, and the mistakes that i need to correct in future relationships for their benefit. it’s amazing what you learn when an infatuated person comes down from the clouds and realizes there was only a minimal correlation with the person he was actually dating.. there is a forced reflection that comes with this discernment, and often it can be very painful, as is many decisions that are made despite opposing feelings.
the only thing i can do is change myself for myself. i can only offer the best of me, and that needs to be enough to encourage reciprocation in whomever I choose to show my love to. fortunately for me and my emotional health, i’ve learned to see through the idealized perceptions my infatuation creates, and i can more accurately determine the real quality of my romantic prospect. it was a lesson i was reluctant to learn, but i really had no choice, and i’m glad that i’ve grown just a little bit more mature.
to you, i’m way too drained to give anything more. yes, i have made some mistakes, and it was my choice to do what i did, but that was because i didn’t see clearly the kind of person i was giving myself to. it’s up to you to realize my flaws and accept my failures, but whatever your decision is doesn’t matter to me anymore. because at the end of everything, i did what i did for me. and i’m taking the steps to improve my character solely because I want to.
but you were the motivation that preceded the steps i’m taking. and for that i thank you.